Relational Challenge of the Week- #7

David Morris, M.S., M.Div., LCMFT

Sometimes couples needlessly get stuck on opposite sides of the fence. I see this occurring when the familiar words, "always" and "never" enter into the conversation. While it is hard to extricate these words from our vocabulary, there are times we need to be particularly cautious of the danger they present. Perhaps a situation as arose where your dialogue began to veer off course. When we become unsure of the road, we grab the wheel of control and stake out more absolute pro and con positions. When this starts trouble is not far off.

Conversations that wander into "we never seem to have anything that we both enjoy doing" or "we always seem to be stuck doing the same old thing” are unsteady ground. We may soon find a squeal that indicates a wreck has occurred— “We just don’t have anything in common anymore.” In short order our morale starts to flounder and a level of relational depression floods our consciousness.

Conflicts can produce a blinding, amnesia to some of the positive qualities of our relationships. While we will never totally avoid "black and white", "all or nothing" debates; we can do some pro-active inoculations. In this week's challenge, I am proposing an exercise to provide some protection for the next time one of these conflicts arise. Individually set a few minutes aside to make a list of areas where we have common ground. Look for areas where you are not on the opposite ends of the spectrum, but on the same page with one another. Your areas may include:
• how you vote in local or national elections,
• how you observe holidays,
• ways you vacation alike,
• ways discipline or things you enjoy about the kids,
• your thoughts about spending or saving money
• that you enjoy the same style of music or movies
• how you both enjoy the same work out habits
• what your are favorite foods and restaurants
• how you pracitice your faith or your moral insights
• how you enjoy the same friends
• and many more.

If you are stuck, think about the items on the list above. Do you have some common ground in these areas? Once you have written down a few items, set your list aside and then periodically for the next few days let your mind percolate over these and add some other areas

Now select a time to come together and share what you have listed. Celebrate your common ground. Then put an X on the calendar to come back to review this again as a booster shot for avoiding that feeling that we “just don’t have that much in common with one another feeling.”